Friday, April 1, 2011

DEA To Expand War On Drugs

Amid growing concerns over the push for marijuana legalization and the devastation it could wreak on their funding, the DEA has announced that they will be expanding their war on drugs. The war will now target a number of other substances which the DEA believes have not been properly regulated. They will be kicking off this new campaign with the reclassification of insulin as a Schedule 1 controlled substance. Beginning today, April 1, 2011, the production, sale, and possession of insulin will be illegal in the United States.

According to DEA Administrator Michele Leonhart, insulin’s FDA approval has been revoked, meaning it no longer has an accepted medical use in the United States. “We were trying to help these people who claim they have a medical need for this drug, but the situation is getting out of control,” Leonhart warned. She went on to explain how it’s become a “wild west show,” with anybody and everybody being able to get the drug and the paraphernalia needed to inject it. “It’s very obvious to me,” she said, “that far too many of these so-called diabetics just want to enjoy a recreational sugar rush.”

Drug Czar Gil Kerlikowske praised the DEA’s new classification of insulin. “I’ve visited several pharmacies and seen some of the ‘patients’ who are there filling their insulin prescriptions,” he said, making the air quotes as he spoke. “They sure didn’t look sick to me.” Kerlikowske went to quote government statistics which show that many insulin addicts are in fact young and “healthy looking,” with many under the age of 18. “How can we stop these kids from using drugs when their parents are buying the drug for them and even teaching them how to inject it?” Knowing they will serve time in jail if caught is the only deterrent that can keep people off this addicting drug, he noted. “Spending some time behind bars will make them think twice the next time they want a fix,” he said with a straight face. The Czar added that this new law is the only way we can be certain that teachers, eye doctors, and airline pilots aren’t shooting up on the job.

Law enforcement officials from across the nation have come out in support of the DEA’s new agenda. “Drugs are a scourge on our society, and the only solution is to vigorously enforce any law, real or imaginary, that takes drug users off our streets,” said San Diego District Attorney Bonnie Dumanis. Dumanis used the opportunity to announce a crackdown on all San Diego county pharmacies. Rather than warn them to stop selling the drug in advance of the new law, she is planning a series of raids that will involve local police, area SWAT teams, and masked, heavily-armed DEA agents. “These people are drug dealers plain and simple, and the only thing they understand is extreme force,” she said, following up with a maniacal laugh. In response to Dumanis’ announcement, the private prison industry in California collectively creamed its jeans.

Addiction counselors and a number of religious groups have also praised the new legislation. Partnership for a Drug Free America spokesperson Denise Fahr Rite could barely contain herself when she heard the news. “Pharmacies are everywhere these days,” she pointed out. “There’s even one right across the street from my daughter’s pre-school. How can I teach my kids that drugs are bad when they see young, healthy-looking people come and go all day with their bags of drugs and needles?” The rehab industry was also very positive about the new law. Industry spokesman Jebediah Deadwood pointed out that, although treating insulin addiction has not been very profitable in the past, they are very optimistic about the future. “We are planning a major expansion to help this new class of criminal addict kick their habits, “ he said. “As long as they are insured, we will spare no expense to get them drug free.” Stock in a number of private prison and rehab corporations rose sharply on the DEA’s announcement.

Happy April 1st!