Thursday, April 1, 2010

Congress Amends Controlled Substance Act

Washington, DC — In a move many are saying is long over due, President Obama today signed into law the most sweeping changes to the Controlled Substances Act since its passing in 1970. In addition to recreational drugs, the newly-expanded law outlaws a variety of other activities that have been deemed harmful to individuals and to society. Accordingly, the law has been renamed the Controlled Pleasures Act of 2010, or CPA for short.

As expected, prostitution and gambling were immediately classified as Schedule II controlled pleasures under the CPA. Both will now be federal crimes, but because of their Schedule II status, will still be allowed in Las Vegas and Atlantic City. Outside of those two locations though, raids are expected to shut down any operations that don’t comply with the new law. Indian reservations are not exempt. To accommodate the anticipated need for more law enforcement personnel, the DEA’s role has been greatly expanded. The agency has been renamed the Pleasure Enforcement Administration (PEA), and former DEA director Michele Leonhart was named as interim PEA director until a formal appointment can be made. “There’s no one better at denying people pleasure,” said Leonhart, “just ask my husband.”

In a surprise move, masturbation was classified as a Schedule I controlled pleasure, meaning it will now be illegal under any and all circumstances. Former Drug Czar, now interim Pleasure Czar, Gil Kerlikowske, was supportive of the decision. “What kind of message would we be sending our children if their government allowed such behavior,” said Mr. Kerlikowske. “We’ve known for years that masturbation is a gateway activity, leading to other forbidden pleasures, such as gambling, drugs, and prostitution. It has no medical benefit, is highly addictive, and undermines the moral integrity of our society.”

Law enforcement officials, prosecutors, and the private prison industry have also unanimously praised the new legislation. Mr. Kerlikowske, a former police officer, pointed out that masturbation is a major contributor to violent crime. “Most violent criminals at the time of their arrest had either recently masturbated or were planning to do so later that night. No other single activity has been associated with such a wide array of antisocial behavior.”

The newly-redesigned PEA web site provides plenty of data to support these and other claims. According to evidence provided by the PEA, masturbation has been linked to a variety of physical and emotional problems, especially in adolescent boys. Poor grades, short attention span, decreased cognitive ability, carpal tunnel syndrome, and blindness have all been reportedly caused by excessive masturbation. “We even have studies that show that masturbation causes white women to seek sexual relations with Negroes, entertainers, and any others,” said PEA director Leonhart. “Statistics don’t lie,” she added.

Commenting on this far-reaching new legislation, the president admitted it could potentially affect a large number of people, as over 50 percent of the population have admitted to engaging in one or more of the forbidden activities at least once. But in the long run, our nation as a whole will benefit. Especially those in law enforcement and the private prison industry. When asked if he personally had ever engaged in any of these activities, the president admitted, “Yes, I tried masturbation a few times when I was in college. But it was the 70s, and all the kids were doing it. I realize now that no one should be allowed this unhealthy, immoral pleasure. “Choking the chicken” is no longer in my vocabulary.”

But reactions outside of Washington were not as consistently positive about the new law. Susan Herman, president of the ACLU, denounced the legislation as not only an invasion of privacy, but discriminatory to minorities and the poor. “The poor will be unfairly targeted by this law. Because of crowded living conditions, those of lower socioeconomic status will be far more likely to be caught pleasuring themselves than middle-class kids who don’t have to share a bedroom.” Many medical experts also oppose the new law. “Masturbation is a completely normal activity that people have been doing for thousands of years,” said Dr. I.M. Wood of the Stanford Masturbation Institute. “The government’s claims of its potential harm are greatly exaggerated. There has never been a death attributed to masturbation, except of course those that have been linked to DWM (driving while masturbating).”

Nevertheless, the new law will go into effect today, April 1, 2010. If you wanted to “rub one out,” as the kids say, one last time, you are already too late. And if you still must, be sure to be quiet about it. Under the new law, “sounds of pleasure” are now grounds for a search warrant. But remember, it’s for your own good.

This is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and events portrayed herein and any actual people or events is purely coincidental. Happy April 1st!


rsteeb said...

Tony: Your Quest is complete. You have demonstrated complete and total mastery of the subject. Well done!

Tony Aroma said...