Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Government Was Right, It’s All True

I don’t know how it happened, but I’ve been born again. At least with respect to using dangerous narcotic drugs. Maybe it was my government relentlessly bombarding me with facts and “scientific” evidence. Maybe it was me taking a long, hard look at what I’ve been doing and saying for so many years. Maybe I’m on drugs and have no idea what I’m talking about. Regardless, I’ve seen the error of my ways. What follows are some of the realizations I’ve come to. Epiphanies, if you will.

After 25 years of smoking weed, I’ve noticed lately that I’ve had quite a few almost-uncontrollable urges to smoke some crack and/or shoot up some heroin. Maybe “mainline” or “chase the dragon” — that sounds pretty cool. All this time I’ve been poo-pooing the gateway effect, when in reality I just failed to appreciate its time frame.

And I see now how growing my own weed really does affect our national economy. Just think of all that money that I’ve not been pumping into the (black) market. Forget uncontrolled government spending. My not buying drugs from illegal dealers is the real problem. Why I’m probably personally responsible for the recent collapse of huge segments of our economy.

And I just realized that I am, in fact, a lazy slacker with no ambition. I just want to sit around all day, get high, and listen to Bob Marley. Really loud, mon. I am not even close to being the well-adjusted, well-educated, normal, happy, productive member of our society that I thought I was. If I were, I sure wouldn’t want to be smoking marijuana. I’d be out pounding some brew-skis.

And how could I have not known that my opinions favoring legalization have been sending the wrong message to “the children.” Why I’ve been practically telling them that all recreational drugs are good and encouraging them to “get high” 24/7, starting on the day they are born. Even though I’ve never said anything remotely like that, I must have subconsciously meant it, and the kids pick up on that sort of thing.

Now that I think about it, I wonder if I got ahold of some of that super-potent “skunk” weed they’re talking about in England. Maybe I got a touch of the psychosis that they say it causes. That would explain how I could have been so wrong about so many things and not even realize it. Either that, or the massive brain damage I’ve suffered from all those years of ingesting a deadly narcotic drug.

You know, I might be high, but now that I think about it, maybe those people that believe in intelligent design have a point as well. Maybe the Earth really is only 8,000 years old and The Flintstones really is based in fact. I guess I’ll have to rethink this whole evolution thing now too. And the smoking pot thing. I didn’t forget about that. I’m definitely going to stop before it’s too late. At the very least I’m going to consider it. Seriously. Soon.

Oh, and I still hate the Dutch.

This is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the character and events portrayed herein and any actual people or events is purely coincidental.

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